Friday, December 12, 2008

Why I need a new job

When I arrived at work this morning, I was greeted with a box sitting in my chair. Upon closer inspection of this box, I found that it was wrapped in exam table paper. On the paper was a magic marker drawing of a tropical beach scene with a rainbow. I assume this was there to remind me of more pleasant times. I opened the box to find a pillow, an ice pack, Xylocaine Jelly, Astroglide, a band-aid and a Huggies Diaper.

A kind of care package from a bunch of smart asses really.

See, I had to have a Colonoscopy yesterday.

I don't know if you've ever had a Colonoscopy or not. If you have, then you know from where I speak. If you haven't, let me try to give you a run-down of the process.

Day Before Procedure:

Clear Liquid "Diet"-That means you don't eat the day before. Chicken Broth is not real food and apparently taking Jello Shots at lunch time is frowned upon by not only by my Doctor but also my employer.

Co-Workers torment you- Everytime you leave your desk, you return to find Turd Cartoons or Jars of Vaseline in your area.

4pm take Laxative- I'm having this God Forsaken thing done because I have the trots all the damn time....Like I really need a laxative.

6pm Start drinking the 2 liters of Liquid Death. 8 oz. every 10 minutes. There is nothing I can say about this stuff called Halflytely Bowel Prep except it is straight from the Devil. This stuff is the consistency of milk, it's salty and if you're lucky, you get to add a yummy flavor to it. I got to choose between cherry, lemonade, orange or pineapple. I chose orange. I'll never eat citrus again. I can not even begin to tell you how gross this stuff is. After about 24 oz. of this crap, it started coming back up. I never did finish it all.

Sit on the toilet with a good book and soft toilet paper the rest of the night.

Day of Procedure:

Don't eat anything, Don't drink anything.

Go to where you are having the procedure done. Tell numerous strangers you're there for a Colonoscopy, ask them how bad it's going to be, be told by all of them that they themselves refuse to have one regardless of what may be going on up their own ass.

Have a minor anxiety attack.

Get an IV started

Get wheeled down the hall with your ass hanging out of your dress.

Get parked in the middle of a cold sterile room with several people buzzing around talking to each other like your not in the middle of the room...with your ass hanging out of your dress.

Have a surly nurse pump you full of Versed.

Pledge your undying love to surly nurse because you are higher than you've ever been.

Wake up in the recovery room feeling a little violated and hung over.

Go eat everything on the right side of the menu at Logan's Roadhouse.

Nod off in the car on the way home from Logan's

Sleep the remainder of the day and night.

Day After Procedure:

Come to work to be the "Butt" of the joke by Co-Workers who are evil and must be destroyed.


SkylersDad said...

Versed is the drug of the gods! I don't know why there isn't a street version going around...

I loved your story, mine was quite similar. During the "cleansing" I felt like I might actually achieve lift-off.

Nathan said...

I don't think I've laughed so hard all week. I don't mean to laugh at your pain, but that was hilarious.

My dad had to have one of these once. He said it was pure torture, especially sitting on the toilet chugging the "death juice."

I'm just glad it's over. When will you have the results?

If it turns out you have IBS, my sister has an amazing medication for it. It has no side effects, but it currently isn't used to treat IBS. She was taking it for something else and noticed a marked change. She was so excited, she even called up the drug company that makes it and told them they need to start testing so they can start marketing it for that purpose.

Long story short, if you want to know the name of the medication, I can get it for you. Then, you can ask your doctor about it.

Braja said...

I think I stopped reading at "If you haven't, let me try to give you a run-down of the process."

Then I couldn't resist and read the whole thing. But I have nothing to say. :))

LegalMist said...

Hi. I'm new here, and I love the thing in your sidebar with the trains -- freakin' hilarious!

Also loved your post about voting for the antichrist.

Hang in there with the colonoscopy thing. Sounds awful. Hope the results are ok.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I shit you not, that's some of the funniest shit I've every read. You're a gas!

Vodka Mom said...

THAT was damn funny. ya gotta admit.

Tenacious Tess said...

I just wanted you to know that after reading this blog I feel compelled to apologize to you for my shitty behavior before and after your anal irrigation. I'm am really a shithead, coming to shoot the shit with you and eating those wonderfully delicious cookies in front of you was just show shitty of me, I am such an ass.

Dr Zibbs said...

Hahahaha. Great job by the coworkers,