Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The REVELATION of Idiots

I keep getting texts and e-mails claiming Barak Obama is the Anti-Christ. Read that again....E-MAILS CLAIMING BARAK OBAMA IS THE ANTI-CHRIST.

That's right ladies and gents. Ignorance is alive and well in the U.S of A. Folks are spreading the crazy talk around saying our guy is the Devil and I know for a fact, unfortunately but not suprisingly, there are dumbasses that really believe it.

Case in point. Some clown my husband works with was standing around work handing out copies of this ridiculous e-mail that says: The Book of Revelation states that The Anti-Christ will be a man in his 40's and of Muslim descent, he'll have Christ like appeal etc... And this ridiculous thing says...power was given unto him to continue for forty and two months (which is the ONLY thing that is actually in Revelation)....about the time of a Presidential term. Now I don't know about you but forty and two months could be a time frame for many things besides a presidential term or the length of time the Devil has to be in charge. It is about the same amount of time it takes one to get through High School, learn to speak French fluently, and extinguish ones hopes of becoming a Professional Football Player. I think it's just a coincidence but that's just me.

My husband shared with me the flyer he had been given by this idiot who was handing these things out like he was doing some great community service. Now my husband is usually a nice fellow who doesn't say many bad things about people but he said this guy is, has always been, and is likely to always be an idiot of the first water. (for those of you not familiar with that phrase, it means that he's likely to be the biggest idiot ever in the history of idiots)

I took it upon myself to scribble a friendly note to this pinhead on the back of his little handout pointing out that 1) The Book of Revelation does not even mention the word "Anti-Christ" and 2) How could it possibly mention someone of Muslim descent since the religion of Islam was founded in the 7th century and the Book of Revelation was written somewhere around 95 or 96 A.D., a good 6oo years before there was even such thing as a Muslim much less one of their descendents.

It amazes me that not only are people stupid enough to believe such ridiculous things but even more so, they are Anxious to believe it.

It's sad really that the Sheople have been led this far astray by the fear-mongers on the right. I know some people are just stupid but this kind of crazy is started by someone who intends to freak stupid people out.

I also would like to report that I took advantage of the early voting available in my area and I am proud to announce that I VOTED FOR THE ANTI-CHRIST!!


Monday, October 27, 2008

Bubba and the hand gesture

Okay, I understand that things are getting tight for the Republicans but it's starting to get a little touchy out in the streets. With election day looming, McPalin still behind in the National Polls, the Broohaha over Sarah, the hubby and their kids Pumpkin, Trout, Pickle, Widget and Trampoline's shopping sprees to Neiman Marcus and Saks and lets not forget, inferior plans for this country's future, it seems that my conservative brothers and sisters are beginning to act a little ugly.
Picture it if you will...

Bumper to Bumper traffic....7:30am rush hour....5 lanes going South into downtown. I'm in the middle lane. Big extended cab work truck in the lane to my left about a car length back. A horn blows behind me and I look in the rear view. Don't see anything special. Horn blows again...."WHAT???"....again, the rear view...nothing. Horn blows again. I turn and look.
Coming closer on my drivers side is the big truck. He's passing me giving me the thumbs down and, with an angry look in his eye, he's mouthing something I'm unable to make out, considering we're in BUMBER TO BUMPER TRAFFIC. I'm perplexed. Did i cut him off while changing lanes? Have I been riding my brakes in front of him? I was trying to figure out WHY??? Why was this man so angry at me? Then I notice something...the little green Honda Element in front of me with the Obama/Biden sticker placed prominently in their back window, the same place I have mine, is getting the thumbs down from this clown too.
Then it hit me....

This guy is holding up traffic so he can give me and my fellow Democrat in the Honda the Thumbs Down, and apparently a good talking to. Now that I know the deal, I try very hard to catch back up to this guy. Now I figure it like this, he gave me a hand gesture, it's only fair that I give him one back right??? So I roll on up, getting closer to what I'm now referring to this yahoo in the pick up as, the ReBUBBAlican. I'm getting a little pissy at this point. Who is he to give me and the little Honda (who I'm not sure is aware that she is on the receiving end of his little tirade) greif in the middle of rush hour??? I finally inch my way up to the ReBUBBAlican, ready to give him the ole Number 1 sign when I thought better of it. I rolled my window down, grinned like a big ole Donkey waved and shouted for him to have a nice day!!

At this point, he just kind of stared at me, slack-jawwed. I'm assuming he had figured he would be able to bait one of us into playing along with his assinine political road rage game. He drove on and I smiled to myself thinking that 1) I was the bigger person and 2) I'm feel great that my team is in the lead and I'm not so panicky that I have to take my frustration out on some poor motorist who is just trying to get to work on time.

Moral of the Story...Calm down Republicans and ReBUBBAlicans alike. If we made it through 8 years of W....Ya'll will be okay too.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

What the Heck is that smell???

A very funny lady, Pearl, reminded me of this blog I wrote a while back about smells. I hope no one gets offended

It's not in my nature to be really isn't. And I don't feel that by posing this question is mean, maybe a little forward, but not mean. For those of you who don't know, I work in a Midwife clinic. All of the midwives are, as I'm sure you can guess, women. There is a certain population of women who live in this city who don't feel comfortable with a man other than their partner seeing their hoo-ha. That is perfectly acceptable. A large majority of the women who don't want men seeing their hoo-ha, even if he is a Medical Doctor that specializes in say, hoo-ha's and the babies who have to travel through them to be born, want a female OB/GYN provider and as luck would have it, we are fully staffed with female OB/GYN providers. Seems that the bulk of women who want to see a Midwife for their prenatal care simply because they do in fact have a hoo-ha of their own and not because they believe in the philosophy of midwifery, are either Muslims or from predominately Muslim countries. A great deal of the women who choose to come to us for their baby birthing needs are Somali women.
Now, I don't know how familiar you are with the differences in American women and Somali women but there are a few. First off, American women don't ordinarily dress like the Grim Reaper. I know that is a cultural thing because God forbid a man see your hair or even worse, the curve of any part of your body but still, it is creepy when you are waiting on an elevator and the door opens and a large Somali woman is standing there with her black whatever the hell those things are called are on. Moving on. Also, American women don't make a habit of dipping their finger tips in henna. I understand that it is decorative, it's just most of the people I know try not to have orange stains on their hands. That is why you wash after using the self tanning lotion. Now I am trying to be as delicate as I can because I do recognize that people have differences. There are also alot of similarities as well. People are people no matter where you come from and Somalia is no different. We have nice, sweet polite Somali patients and we have rude obnoxious Somali patients. Just like American women, personalities from one woman to another are all along the spectrum. And don't get me wrong, I enjoy being around people from other cultures. It is interesting and sometimes entertaining. Not that I have anything against Somali's in general but as a group, I have to say that Somali women have a very unique aroma about them. I wouldn't say it stinks necessarily but I don't particularily care for it. I don't know if it is the food they eat and then the scent of that food secretes from them in some way or is it some kind of scented oil they use? But it is the same with everyone of them. It is STRONG. Imagine smelling someone coming long before they even come in the door. I have been working around these women for the better part of a year and all I really want to know is WHAT IN THE HECK IS THAT SMELL? I have never smelled a group of people that smell exactly the same. It's weird. If anyone knows what the hell this is, please let me know.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Baltic Ave and the Universe

It's official. I'm destined to live my average life with no hope to be the beneficiary of a windfall amount of quick cash. For years now I've been playing the McDonald's Monopoly game. If you're not familiar with it let me just touch on the highlights. McDonald's puts these little game pieces on several items, usually items I would not ordinarily order. They have the little game boards that look like a Monopoly board and the pieces are little squares with the game board squares on them. Brown Baltic Avenues (which I've so far collected 13 of), Blue Park Places and such. Every once in a while you will peel a free "Fruit and Yogurt Parfait" or a "Small coffee or Soft Drink". Until today I was convinced that these were the only prizes one could really expect to win. There is no way to get that one particular playing piece that you would need to collect all of the properties needed to actually win a monetary prize.
You can also play the game piece codes on the Mickey D's Monopoly online game. Same situation. You put your code in roll the dice and get the same spots on the board....over and over again. There is no chance to win...or so I thought. Today, while I was entering my 10 daily allowed game piece codes, I won!!! I ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING!!! I won.........wait for it........... 2 hours of free wi-fi time at McDonald's. WHAT???
I may as well stop wasting my time. The universe will not allow me to ever win anything again. It's trying to teach me a lesson, I'm sure of it. The lesson being that I'm unlucky and there aren't enough game pieces, crazy rabbits foot finger crossing rituals in the world to help me. And what the hell am I going to do with 2 hours of wi-fi time at McDonald's? Who spends that kind of time at McDonald's? I'm more of a drive thru kind of girl...and I don't own a laptop. Typical.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Hey buddy...can I bum a Nicotine Patch??

I have decided that I should probably quit smoking (and drinking so much, and start eating fruits and vegetables and possibly try to clean up the language a little bit...but one thing at a time) My birthday was this past Saturday. I'm 38, or as I prefer 20-18. (My daughter noted earlier last week that I was almost in my 30's. According to her calculations, I'd be 30-10 in just two more years and that is just ancient and tragic.) Birthdays, like New Years or any milestone that gets your attention, is always a good excuse to turn over a new leaf. I've decided that mine will be a tobacco leaf. As of tomorrow morning I will be going on the nicotine patch and possible starting Chantix (if anyone can convince me that I won't become either suicidal or psychotic). I can't describe the feeling I have when I really consider quitting. It's almost scary. I don't quite know what I will do with myself. If you've ever been a smoker, you know that it becomes part of you. I will probably take up chewing gum and I need to do something with my hands. Don't know what it will be. Probably cracking my knuckles or twiddling my thumbs. The thought scares me but I'm tired of being out of breath after 2 flights of stairs and it's getting pretty expensive lately. Nearly $5 a pack.
Wish me luck, keep your distance for a few days and pray that the Chantix doesn't make me kill anyone in their sleep.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Okay...I think I have successfully transitioned some of my blogs written over the last year or so to this blog. My friend, Tess (go to her It's smart, witty and just a little mean...just like her) anyway, she has convinced me that this blogging thing and the ads nextdoor here are the way to go. She helped me set it up and now I assume if you click on the ads, someone will make a buck or two. Hopefully it will be me. So read, enjoy, comment but for God's sake, click on the ads to your your other right.....and make me some money. I have 3 teenage daughters for heaven's sake!

The Pink Cult

Okay so I drank the pink Kool-Aid last night. Me and a friend of mine went with our other friend, who is a Mary Kay consultant, to some weekly meeting thing that all the MK consultants in this one group go to. They call it a girls night out, which cracks me up cause 1 they don't have any alcohol and 2 my friend,Thomas, is there and he's not a least not on the weeknights. Anyway, so we go in there, sit down, have to go through all the little accolades they give out to the consultants for sales and bookings etc.. followed by applause and squealing... then we get to try some new make-up. Well I did at least, my other friend, also not a girl on the weeknights, passed on the make up testing. Although I think I almost had him convinced to draw some eyebrows on if we could have located a pencil in the right color. So we listen to a bunch of overly excited and perky people talk the happy talk about Mary Kay and for the most part, between being a guinea pig and hearing the witness to Goddess MK, I damn near decided to start selling this wonderful, fabulous product myself. I know the product is good, I know it's a good company that's been around for years, I know that if I work hard and con other people into selling this stuff too, I could get a pink car to drive and that's fabulous but am I perky enough to convince other people that they need $394 worth of skin care to compliment their $277 worth of mineral eye color and Marvolous Mascara? I don't know. I did turn into Ms. Perky Sue Tightass last night though. Some of you may know her. She's all smiles and can "honey sweetie precious...cute shoes and I love your skirt...who does your hair? It fabulous!" with the best of them. I had to decompress after I left there. I can so understand why Thomas is doing this, and he by the way is wonderful at it, I'm just not sure it is for me. But I'm afraid they got to my other friend. So just be warned if I call you and ask if you want to be pampered...I've drank the Kool-Aid.

How to bring out my inner Redneck

okay...apparently I am some kind of evil enviromental terrorist. I’m a smoker. Have been for the better part of 20 years. I’m not necessarily proud of it. But it’s a fact and one that I’ll admit to anyone and I don’t care. I know it’s an addiction...blah blah blah...whatever...I freakin love it. Anyway, this morning on my way to work I was sitting at a traffic light over here by my job. I finished one of the 3 cigarettes I smoke on the way to work...gotta load up cause I’m off the sticks til lunch time...and like I usually do, I flicked the butt out the window. Okay, I know it’s littering and it’s wrong and I know I could be fined up to $500 for littering and i know I should Keep Tennessee Clean...whatever. I do it, all us smokers do it. Bite me. Anyway, this freaking guy behind me in a....get this, so typical...PRIUS honked his little horn at me. When I looked back at him through the mirror, he actually pointed to the ground and shook his finger at me. Well I bet ya’ll know what I did...I shook my finger right back....guess which finger I shook. Anyway, this guy passed me in his little eco-friendly gas saver and he had an Indiana tag that was some kind of speacialty plate that said ENVIRONMENT. Okay you have the right to care about the environment, you have the right to say what you want to about it and how we’re all killing mother earth. I get it. My very own parents are environmental activists so trust me....I’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE...MANY TIMES. But this little fellow going around scolding people is gonna get him cussed out for sure but he better watch who he’s scolding cause he ain’t in Indiana any more...we’re rednecks here and not only will we thump a cigarette butt out the window, we’re pretty damn likely to thump it directly between your eyes if you mess with us too much. Damn hippy.

If I Can't Be Independently Wealthy, What about this???

When I was a little kid I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up. Then later in life I decided I wanted to be a physical therapist.Then at some point in my early adulthood I wanted to be a psychologist..or at least a therapist. I was and still am facinated by Mental Illness...(insert your own joke here________________________) Anyway years later I find myself working in a medical providers office...doing all the office crap like scheduling, records, financial crap...all the stuff that no one notices until I screw it up. Anyway this will probably be what I'm doing when I retire or die, which ever comes first. But to keep me from hanging myself in the closet with my shoe laces, I have this silly little list of things I would really love to do if I can figure out how to do it and make a living from doing it.
How great would that be? Having someone pay you to tell them what to do with their life?? This is a job where I could utilize my ultimate and infinate wisdom. Unfortunately since I would not be able to afford my own rates, that wisdom would only apply to OTHER people's problems and not my own.
2.Seat Filler
You know the people who sit in empty seats at the awards shows so the place looks packed? Now this could actually be quite entertaining if you filled the right seat. Imagine being a seat filler at the Oscars and getting next to Tom Hanks or the People's Choice and getting next to Matthew McConaughey. I might would have a heart attack or an orgasm or something. Maybe this wouldn't be the job for me...but I digress.
This is really the job for me. I could stare at a tan paint chip for three weeks, then scream out HOT DOG BUN or after looking at a white chip for 4 days only to come up with ALBINO easy would that be? I don't know how much Sherwin Williams pays for that but I'm going to at least apply for that job.
Today I added a fourth job to my list...
I could so do long as it was a romantic comedy or possibly a tear-jerker type drama. Nothing scary. Now I'm not sure how one gets this particular job but I love all different kinds of music and I'm sure I could figure out what would work where. Now, I have a feeling that this job would actually take some work and I'm more of thinker than a doer so maybe I could find someone to let me just sit around and say things like... "I like this one song by this one guy and it makes me happy when I hear it and since Mandy Moore and Ben Affleck seem to be happy in this scene of this movie...let's play that song..but just the chorus cause the rest of the song is about being on a pontoon boat"... See I could do it. It would be easy.
Oh how I envy the people who have those kinds of jobs...But alas...I actually have to work for a living so I better go do that....
But before I head back to the mines...Tell me what your dream job is and maybe if the price is right I can use my LIFE COACH skills to help you get that job!

My Bucket List

One of my best good friends in the whole wide world (some of you may know her as Tara or MumMum or possibly even Skeeter, Kookie, Brittany or Brynn's mom) just posted a Blog. More precisely a Bucket List. I have not seen the movie although it is on my "TO SEE" list. (I do love Morgan Freeman. I'm hoping that when I die and get to Heaven, God looks like Morgan Freeman.) So...Tara made a Bucket List so I'm gonna make mine! It's fun, we should all do it!

1. Live in England. I'm not real particular of where in England. London would be great but the country is nice too.
2.Go Snow Skiing. I would love to go somewhere in Colorado or perhaps Utah but the most kick ass ski trip would be in the Swiss Alps

3.Learn a Foreign Language. I don't have a particular language in mind although Spanish would probably be the most useful and I've always wondered what Ricky was yelling at Lucy but I've always thought Russian would be cool.
4. See the Great Wall of China. This one is new. The whole Beijing thing has got me wanting to go to China. I never really had a desire to until now. But if I do go over there I'm not eating any cat or scorpions dammit.
these next things are in the WILL NEVER happen but it's fun to think about category:
5. Spend some time on a Yacht in the Mediterranian.
6. Sing a duet with Meatloaf.
7. Win and Olympic Gold medal in Syncronized Swimming (a dream that started during the 1984 Summer Games in Los Angeles)
8. Be in a movie with Tom Hanks
9. Ride in a Bobsled (like the Olympic ones)
10. Not be afraid of Snakes
This next group are the things that I expect to happen but if they don't, it would suck.
11. Go on a vacation with my 3 best friends. We're the most fun and we just need to plan it and go.
12. Go to New York City. I've never been, I HAVE TO go. I think while I'm there I'll take the Sex and the City Tour and try to spit off the top of the Empire State Building.
13. Have Grandchildren who love me more than their other grandmother. I will expect them to call me Big Momma!
14. See all of my children become successful in whatever they decide to do...hopefully none of them decide to be criminals or I don't know...Republicans.
15. Grow old and travel the world with my wonderful husband Joel.

While compiling my bucket list, I realized that if I were to Kick the Bucket today, I would die knowing that I've already had a full life and no matter if I never do anything on this list, I already have the love of a Great Husband, a Wonderful Family and the best friends anyone could ever wish for and it just don't get any better than that.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Campus tours and car wrecks

On the off chance that I don't kill her before then, my daughter is on her way to college next year. So that means that we need to start planning now. We're scheduling campus tours, going to college fairs, getting "junk mail" by the dozens and even have an Army recruiter coming to the house to try and persuade us that the military is the way to go. Now I don't know what I'm doing. This being my first child to reach this point in life and the fact that I didn't attend college until well after I became an adult and was completely on my own as far as planning my future, all of this has left me less than confident that we are doing the right thing at the right time. I want her to be able to experience college in a way that I was never able to. I want her to be able to live in a dorm, far away from me, her sisters, her step dad and "the boyfriend". I want her to join a sorority and go to parties and make friends that will allow her networking opportunities well into her professional life. I want her to learn things and enjoy life and be prepared for whatever may come her way. All of this being the heck am I supposed to pay for it all? I can barely pay the electric bill, the mortgage and put gas in all of the cars. Meanwhile, the one I'm spending so much time trying to figure out how I'm going to send off to college to experience all the wonders of it, is rear-ending folks in traffice driving up the cost of our insurance premiums. I keep hoping that if I can get her into the right college, majoring in the right thing that maybe, just maybe, she'll become a productive member of society and I may be able to lay down to rest at night without tossing and turning at the thought of her living with me and off me for the rest of her life! I hope it doesn't come to that but if I don't have a better feeling about all of this after our first campus tour next week, I may be jumping on board with the Army recruiter so that maybe her Uncle Sam can straighten things out!