Wednesday, December 17, 2008

You Ruined Christmas Charlie Brown

Everyone is blogging about Christmas and joy and love and magic and Santa and yadda yadda yadda. My Christmas is going to suck. I just know it. I got word today that since my Brother-In-Law is fresh out of rehab where he's been drying out for the last 5 weeks, there will be no booze on Christmas.

Well Hell.

I don't know about you, but getting liquored up on Christmas is the only way I can get through the day. I love my family, I really do. But the thought of being there all day with all of them cooped up in the house with the thermostat cranked up to Jesus because there is a baby who can't get cold (I'm not sure why its okay to let the rest of us freeze) without a glass of wine or even a damn cup of egg nog to get me through the day just horrifies me.

Christmas is typically unpleasant anyway. After being awakened while it is still dark by my kids, who by the way are too damn old to be waking me up at 5:00am, we go see what Santa brought and open gifts. By the time the gift opening is over, I'm fairly alert. Unlike my Big Sexy. He usually just hangs out on the edge of the fray trying not to succumb to his overwhelming desire to curse out the children for waking him up at 5am. Meanwhile he is expected to watch them make a mess in the living room and he knows that he's going to have to bitch about it being a pig sty for 2 days until I force everyone to put their new clothes away so I can fold up the shirt boxes to use again next year.

We usually try to get a little more shut eye before it is time to go to my mom's for breakfast. We are also usually late for breakfast along with my sister and her family. This in turn causes my mother to go off on to the first of many tirades we are obligated by familial bonds to endure throughout the day. After those of us who don't care enough about her or the trouble she went to making that damn hashbrown casserole we all insist on her making every damn year finally get to the table, we get to the business of eating the best damn hashbrown casserole in the world... and bitching about the fact that Mom refuses to make scrambled eggs for us anymore because Dad's cholesterol is off the charts high. I personally think she uses Dad's health issues as a way of getting out of cooking stuff but that's between her and God.

Then come the gifts. My parents are hard to buy for. They have everything they need. If there is something they want, they can afford it a heck of a lot sooner than I can. So I usually get them booze and a gift card to a semi-nice restaurant. I was told not to get the booze this year. So not only are we not drinking, I'm having to revert back to the days before I realized that my Dad was so much happier with a half-gallon of Crown Royal than he was with another velour robe. So here I am again having to try to figure out which drill bit set my Dad needs and which Chia pet my Mom would like best.

Now the gift exchanging is over and we're all starting to get tired of one another. We can't just go home...dinner is to come and the ham is the best part of my day. But by this time my sister is usually bitching about her mother-in-law/job/neighbors/price of gas (take your pick), it's nap time for my niece but she's too wound up to sleep so she's just walking around with a snot bubble crying for no reason, Mom is bitching about her back hurting because she's been standing at the stove cooking for 3 days, the teenage kids are all fighting over the computer because they have to send all of their MySpace friends a Merry Christmas comment, and all the men have settled in front of the tv to watch some kind of sporting event at full volume. At this point I'm really going to need a cocktail. So is everyone else but are we going to get to have one??

NO! Why? Because my brother-in-law is not a functional alcoholic like the rest if us and now, because he's on the wagon, we all have to be on the wagon.

I just hope my mom doesn't try to stab anyone with a carving knife and my Dad doesn't spend the entire day hiding out in the garage with my Uncle Billy. Of course, if he does seem to be disappearing fairly often, I may have to follow him and spend a little time in the garage myself because anywhere my Dad and Uncle Billy go, so goes the booze.

Bah Humbug everybody.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Why I need a new job

When I arrived at work this morning, I was greeted with a box sitting in my chair. Upon closer inspection of this box, I found that it was wrapped in exam table paper. On the paper was a magic marker drawing of a tropical beach scene with a rainbow. I assume this was there to remind me of more pleasant times. I opened the box to find a pillow, an ice pack, Xylocaine Jelly, Astroglide, a band-aid and a Huggies Diaper.

A kind of care package from a bunch of smart asses really.

See, I had to have a Colonoscopy yesterday.

I don't know if you've ever had a Colonoscopy or not. If you have, then you know from where I speak. If you haven't, let me try to give you a run-down of the process.

Day Before Procedure:

Clear Liquid "Diet"-That means you don't eat the day before. Chicken Broth is not real food and apparently taking Jello Shots at lunch time is frowned upon by not only by my Doctor but also my employer.

Co-Workers torment you- Everytime you leave your desk, you return to find Turd Cartoons or Jars of Vaseline in your area.

4pm take Laxative- I'm having this God Forsaken thing done because I have the trots all the damn time....Like I really need a laxative.

6pm Start drinking the 2 liters of Liquid Death. 8 oz. every 10 minutes. There is nothing I can say about this stuff called Halflytely Bowel Prep except it is straight from the Devil. This stuff is the consistency of milk, it's salty and if you're lucky, you get to add a yummy flavor to it. I got to choose between cherry, lemonade, orange or pineapple. I chose orange. I'll never eat citrus again. I can not even begin to tell you how gross this stuff is. After about 24 oz. of this crap, it started coming back up. I never did finish it all.

Sit on the toilet with a good book and soft toilet paper the rest of the night.

Day of Procedure:

Don't eat anything, Don't drink anything.

Go to where you are having the procedure done. Tell numerous strangers you're there for a Colonoscopy, ask them how bad it's going to be, be told by all of them that they themselves refuse to have one regardless of what may be going on up their own ass.

Have a minor anxiety attack.

Get an IV started

Get wheeled down the hall with your ass hanging out of your dress.

Get parked in the middle of a cold sterile room with several people buzzing around talking to each other like your not in the middle of the room...with your ass hanging out of your dress.

Have a surly nurse pump you full of Versed.

Pledge your undying love to surly nurse because you are higher than you've ever been.

Wake up in the recovery room feeling a little violated and hung over.

Go eat everything on the right side of the menu at Logan's Roadhouse.

Nod off in the car on the way home from Logan's

Sleep the remainder of the day and night.

Day After Procedure:

Come to work to be the "Butt" of the joke by Co-Workers who are evil and must be destroyed.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Jag är en vampyr

Well, there is a first time for everything. My newest gay and I have plans to go read a movie tonight. That's right, I said read. He and I are both going through aVampire phase right now. Don't ask me why. Apparently there is a Swedish Vampire movie playing at the local theater that plays all the indie films. Since neither my friend or I speak Swedish, we'll have to utilize the sub-titles. I've never actually paid to see a movie I can't understand. I usually stay away from foreign language movies altogether if I can help it. Except for the Kung Fu movies that are dubbed in English. Those are great. I'm a little anxious about this outing. We're meeting at the bar for a drink(s) beforehand. Hope I don't get drunk and end up reading out loud or asking everyone in the theater "What the hell did that say?"

Wish me luck.

Friday, December 5, 2008

What ever happened to Chachi anyway?

Sweet Braja asked me where I went...
I'll tell you where I went.
I went completely around the bend.
I have a TV crush.

That's right I'm 38 years old and I have a crush on an actor. Not only that, he's a relatively unknown, fairly obscure British actor that until the last few months, I'm sure no one on my side
of the pond even knew existed. Now I can't seem to get enough of him.

I'm completely addicted to True Blood on HBO. If you haven't seen it, watch it. If you don't have HBO, get it. It's that good. It's all about Vampires and sexy men and killers and fun. I just love it.

Meanwhile, Stephen Moyer plays a Vampire named Bill on this show and he is more yummy than any one person should be. I haven't had a crush on an actor this bad since I vowed to marry Scott Baio in 1979. So I've been searching the Internet for any little scrap on this guy that I can get. It's sad, I know. And to make it worse, apparently this guy is extremely private cause there ain't nothin online about him except for boring stuff like press releases and the occasional interview. I want dirt! I want naked pictures! So frustrating.

Since I'm not married to Scott Baio, I figure my TV crush won't work out this time any better than it did the last time but that doesn't seem to deter my efforts to find the perfect picture of the GOD that is Stephen Moyer to use as my wallpaper.

So that's where I've been and that is where I shall return.

By the way, I like to imagine myself standing directly in front of him in the picture above.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease


The Ugliest Shoes in the History of the World and why I have to buy them.

I don't get why something that is so ugly is so expensive. Nor do I get why my child MUST have it.

This happens every Christmas. My kids get to choose their one BIG gift. Now this gift doesn't necessarily need to be large or even that expensive, but it is usually the one thing they really want that at any other time of the year I'd advise them to either get a job or go sell plasma if they want it so damn bad. But at Christmas, I figure it's time to splurge a little on the one thing that is usually out of reach for them under normal circumstances.

One year they all decided they wanted a trampoline. Against my better judgement and regardless of the horror stories of broken limbs and head trauma, my stupid ex-husband and I spent over an hour on Christmas Eve in the back yard in below freezing temperatures putting together a trampoline. It was awful. I couldn't find but one of my gloves so there I was, stretching metal springs in one glove and an oven mitt. Under normal circumstances, I would not have done this. But it was Christmas so being the good parent that I am, I did it.

Another year, my little one wanted nothing more than to get a puppy. She didn't just want any puppy, she wanted a puppy from the litter my friends mom's dog had just had. Not only was this particular puppy not one I would have chosen, no one in their right mind would have chosen this puppy. First of all he barely qualified as a puppy. Mom was a Great Dane and Dad was a Rottweiller. My current wonderful husband brought him in on Christmas eve stuffed down in his coat. He looked like he had a parasitic twin. I don't know why he was trying to hide this beast but it didn't work. But he came in and surprised my little sweet potato and that is how we came to own a Gorilla dog named Tiny. My choice would have been a cat but again, it was Christmas.

In order to Feng Shui your home, the first rule is to get rid of everything that is not useful or beautiful. The freakin boots I purchased for Her Magesty for Christmas are neither. They are clearly not beautiful and as far as I'm concerned, suede boots are not really useful either. Even thought these things appear to be mukluk boots, you can't get them wet without having to spend an awful lot of time later trying in vain to clean them back to their original color. But even though, for $159.99 + tax and shipping, I could have bought myself at the very least 2 pair of really cute shoes, or even bought cute shoes for her, these God Forsaken things are what she wants. I'm not sure what it is about these things that girls like so much. She was telling me how comfortable they were. Hell, I have pair of old man paisley print pajama pants with the crotch ripped out that are the most comfortable things on this earth but I wouldn't wear them outside of my own bedroom and I damn sure wouldn't pay someone else even a nickel for them. But, it's Christmas so I guess in the spirit of it all, UGGS (the most appropriate name of anything I've ever heard) it is. Uggggg......

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Who Dat?

If you were behind me this morning, I'm sorry if I caused you to be tardy. I was driving slower than normal hoping to see that the Cooper Mini attempting to turn out of the Wal-Mart parking lot into traffic behind me, was in fact driven by Ted Nugent. I kept hoping he'd catch up but he never did.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

So Much Tragedy For Such a Little Day

I woke up this morning thinking it would be like any other day. Didn't happen. My usual routine is to slap the snooze button on the alarm clock several times until I can no longer put off the inevitable. This morning was different. I was only able to hit the snooze button twice. The tv in my room, still on the same channel as last night when I fell asleep watching the 10 o'clock news, was on the morning news and even though I was not fully awake, the voice of the anchor saying a familiar name jolted me into a straight sitting position. Did I just hear that right? Did he just say that B**** D***** was arrested for Vehicular Homicide??? I did the cartoon head shake and looked directly at the tv and sure enough, there, as big as Texas was my friend's mugshot. He had been on the interstate two afternoons before, apparently driving like a damn maniac either following or racing some other maniac, lost control of his car, hit another car that flipped over and ejected two people. One person died, the other is in critical care.

I am in complete shock. This is a man who is in his late 40's, has a wife and 3 children. He has tuition bills and mortgage payments and credit card debt. He is your average middle class working man. He is active in his children's activities and in his community. He and his wife have been friends of ours for years. Now, he's on his way to the clink and another man is on his way to the grave.

How do I make that call to his wife? What would I say?

What he did was careless, thoughtless, horrible. I am just mortified. There was a man with children, grandchildren, friends who they will never see again. And that is because of my friends actions. The victims family will be sympathized with, casseroles and pies will be brought to their house, insurance will pay for hospitals and funerals. Flowers will be sent and cards mailed. They will be interviewed by news media and the will be given help with money and arrangements and they will be prayed for. And they deserve every little bit of it.

I just wonder who, other than myself and a handful of others, will cry for a cute freckled faced 11 year old boy and a lovely 17 year old young lady when they see their father carted off to prison and their college money go to pay attorneys and restitution. Who will care when they have to move out of their home because their mother is unable to pay the mortgage? Who cares that it is a certainty that these kids will be ridiculed by their peers for something they had no control over? Who will send money or pies to this family who is also grieving? The embarrassment this woman will have to endure due to her husband, who up until this incident, has provided love and support and companionship to her for over 20 years. My heart breaks for them.

People are saying that its the victims family that has lost their loved one and their lives are changed forever. This is terrible and it's true. But all I see are victims and I'm so sick over it all that I just want to scream.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The White Trashiest of them All

Well folks, I think we have a winner. ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS THE WHITE TRASHIEST!! Not that Pamela isn't a suitable 1st runner up and would be willing to step up and take on the duties of the Queen if for any reason she is unable to........wait Anna is already deader'n a boot. Like Vodka Mom said, and I kinda have to agree, maybe Anna being dead does make her even trashier. (I mean OD'ing. How trashy is that?) I also agree that Pamela, by trying to be trashy makes her trashy on a whole other level. But I think that Anna's trash was/is in her DNA. Have you seen this girls family??

We did have some notable Write-In candidates. Courtney Love was mentioned and I think that we can all agree that she takes trashy to an artform, but in a gross trainwreck kind of way. ANS and PA are of the sexy/trashy variety. Kendra Wilkinson is also noteworthy. I do love Kendra though so I'm not real sure how trashy she really is. I think alot of her trash is just show. I'm not automatically disgusted with her (on account of how high class I am, I have a physical reaction to trashy people. I have a story about that involving my husband's ex wife...but that's for another day.) But on the whole, I think we can all agree that no matter what camp your are in, Anna Nicole, rest her soul, is truly very trashy and that is why she is our winner!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Why I take Xanax

I have a kid. She's okay I guess but she's not the brightest bulb. I was speaking fondly of her the other day when it occured to me that it's a good damn thing that she's cute because if she wasn't, there would be no way to charm people into believing that she is just a little ditzy sometimes instead of a full blown mouth breathing F***tard. But luckily for her, she's cute as a button so the stuff she says is endearing to most people. Thankfully most people stereotype and in this case it's a good/accurate stereotype. Imagine a cute, petite, blonde, green-eyed cheerleader saying all of this as you read on. (Have you figured out the stereotype yet??)

We have several lakes around here and when it rains heavily, the low lying areas around the lakes will flood. One particular lake has a tendency to flood a playground that sits close to the road. We don't get over that way very often so when we were there most recently (the time prior was when it was flooded) there sat the playground and volleybally courts.

Her: did they get the land there?

Me: huh?

Her: That used to be part of the did they get the land there?

Me: It was flooded before

Her: Huh?

this is my child and I love her.

here are a couple of more dialogues to reiterate my point:

(In fairly Hushed tones)
Her: Mom, thank you so much for bringing me here to see Kathy Griffin for my birthday.

Me: Your welcome. Count yourself lucky because as best I can tell, I'm the only crappy parent here who has chosen to bring their teenager to see this show.

Her: What? She's not that bad. I hear worse stuff at school. Do I have to stand here in the line for the bar with you? It's crazy long.

Me: Yes you do. If you left I'd never find you in this crowd.
(in her Cheerleader voice)

Me: Yep

Her: Mom, I have a question. Are bats real?

Me: huh?

Her: Bats. Are they real?

Me: huh?

Her: We were in science and we were talking about different animals and somebody said bats were mammals blah blah blah. I didn't know they were real animals or birds or whatever. I thought they were just in movies and halloween decorations.

Me: huh?

(Packing clothes into her duffle bag)
Her: I have cheerleading practice after school today so I'll be late getting home.

Me: Okay

Her: Where is that white shirt like this black one?

Me: No idea. What's wrong with that one?

Her: It's too hot in the gym to wear this one.

Me: Are you telling me that you don't want to wear that t-shirt because it's the gym?

Her:'s black so it's hotter right?

Me: Yeah in the sunlight...

Her: Huh?

She recently interviewed for a job at the mall. I asked her if she thought she was going to get the job. She said that the lady that interviewed her kept saying how cute she was.

She got the job.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Just a little Poll (dancin)

Tess and I are in a fight...

Who is trashier? I say Anna Nicole Smith (rest her soul) and Tess says Pamela Anderson. We got onto this subject by discussing the likelihood of Hugh Hefner doing the grown up with the 19 year old twins he's keeping company with these days. Poor Bridgett must feel like the dorm mother over at the mansion.

I say A.N.S. because Pam can at least string together a coherent sentence...most of the time.

Anyway, who do you think is trashier and why?

Back to the real news...Like Blondes and Boobies.

I didn't even realize it until today but I have apparently been sucked into some kind of a political black hole. I honestly did not know my media habits had changed so drastically. Not only have I not been keeping up with Perez Hilton lately, I haven't even looked a People or an US Weekly.

The reason I know that I've been in the vacuum was when I went to Yahoo this morning, I saw that Kendra Wilkinson, one of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends and my favorite Girl Next Door (because she's as dumb as a bag of hair) is getting married to some guy that plays for the Eagles. Not only that, Holly the blondest of them all, and Hef also broke up several weeks ago. Something about wanting babies...go figure, he's 150.

I am usually on top of this kind of stuff, especially the Girls Next Door. I love them. That show is one of my guiltiest pleasures. I watch it while eating Cherry's Garcia and chain smoking.

Clearly my priorities have not been where they need to be.

Normally I can count on Tess to keep me up to speed on the important things in life but apparently while I only had Obamavision, she was focused squarely on Britney and her new album. In all fairness, I know that if Britney Spears is the news, we can't expect Tess to be very productive so it's no surprise to me that she wasn't keeping up with the comings and goings of the Playboy Mansion residents, but dammit, I still blame her for not snapping me out of my Political Craze Haze and at least reminding me to check Perez every now and then especially when the relationship of the most stable couple (or in this case quadruple) I know is banging on the rocks.

What will become Holly and Kendra without a full staff of servants??? I'm devastated.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Decompression and Long Term Plans

Yesterday felt like the day after Christmas. You know that feeling. You're happy, content, completely exhausted, but in a good way, but there seems to be something missing? That is how yesterday felt to me. No fighting, no hatefulness (other than on Conservative talk radio and a few Anti-Obama folks I know) everyone seemed less on edge. It was a completely different atmosphere than what we've had in what seems like forever.

Let me just stay I am COMPLETELY OVERJOYED that we will have a Democrat in the White House. About Damn Time is what I say. And for all of the bitching and crying Republicans I have this to say: big crybaby! If we made through 8 LONG YEARS of Dubya then you will survive Barak. He's nowhere near as stupid or incompetent so that alone will ensure that the next four years will get better. And look at it this way, my Conservative Brothers and Sisters, you will have SO much to bitch and complain about with a Democratic President AND a Democratic Majority in Congress. That in itself should make you happy. It will give Rush Lintball and Sean RANTity oodles of material to get ya'll fired up about. And i know how ya'll love to get mad and blame all that ails the world on us Godless Liberals.

Oh well, it will be 2012 before you know it and assuming Barak isn't the Anti-Christ and Armageddon doesn't befall us, we'll be doing it all again and I'll be back to having to just turn the channel to TV Land for an Andy Griffith re-run just to decompress.

No matter how much the campaigning process wore us out, we all need to remember that we participated in and witnessed History in the making and it was Grand.

I'll end on this note. My youngest daughter called me on my way home from work yesterday asking me to bring her a Newspaper home. I asked did she have an assignment that she needed the paper for or did she want to read the articles about the election and she said no, she just wanted to get one, save it in a big Ziploc bag and try to sell it in 30 years and make a bunch of money. Leave it to the kids to keep it all in perspective.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Meme meme bo beme bananafana fo feme fe fi mo meme...MEME

Fancy tagged me on one of these Meme things. Being new to this I've been trying to figure out some things.

1) Is it appropriate to tag just anyone or should you just tag people you follow??

2) Why "MEME"? Is that short for something? Did someone named MEME invent these?? ( I have an Aunt MeMe...maybe it was her)

Anyway, I've been tagged and I feel obligated since I am trying very hard to make people like me in this new world I find myself in.

Here are the rules that I lifted off of Fancy's blog:

Where would you have your 8 homes, if you were as insanely rich as the McCains?
List them. You don’t have to list your reasons, but if you do at least for a few of them, it would be more fun. And remember that the only rule is: the homes must be within the borders of the United States of America or else, within the borders of the country you live in, so as to utterly emulate the McCains. When you’re done, tag 8 people, so that they may join in the self-indulgence, forgetting about the crappy property market and the equivalent of The End of Pompeii on Wall-Street. You could spend your time hammering your doors and windows shut in preparation for the apocalypse instead, but it would be much less fun.

1. Outer Banks NC. It is beautiful there, the people are wonderful, it hasn't gotten too touristy and it has a little restaurant called Hot Tuna where my oldest daughter and I ate while we were on vacation last summer. We had the best time. I'm not sure if it was the food, the atsmophere or the name that I remember so fondly. I'm thinking the it's the name.

2. Manhattan, NY. Anything with an elevator, a doorman and a view of the park. Nothing too fancy, just need a comfortable place to stay when I go there to see a musical, do some shopping or take the Sex and the City tour.

3. Key West, FL. I'm a drunk and I need to live in a town where I can crawl from bar to bar with everyone else.

4. Somewhere on top of a Mountain in either Colorado or possibly Utah. I have never been snow skiing but I would love to be in a snowy mountain area where I could ski if I wanted to. Of course I'd have to check on the local ER's before I made my final decision on where I would have a house...on account of I'd DEFINATELY fall and break something...probably more than once. I'm not that graceful.

5. San Francisco, CA. I love San Francisco. My first visit there was at age 16 and I fell in love. Plus I love the gays and that is their Mecca.

6. Whidby Island, WA. It's just north of Seattle and it is arguably one of the most beautiful places on earth. I have family there and am always looking for a reason to go visit.

7. Nashville, TN. Because this is home.

8. Now this last one could be one of several places. I would pick any of these places because the names of these towns are just fun to say:
Schenectady, NY
Sheboygan, WI
Waterproof, LA
or my very favorite, Beaver Lick, KY

on to MEME #2

Share 6/7 random/weird things about yourself.
Tag 6/7 other bloggers, link to them, put a comment on their blog letting them know they've been tagged

1) I only like Fountain Diet Coke. I'll drink bottled or canned drinks in a cup with ice if I have to but if given the choice, I really only want a Fountian Diet...with lots of ice.

2) I am so terrified of Snakes, I even FREAK OUT when I see a picture of one...Thanks Fancy for damn near giving me a heart attack this morning.

3) One of my favorite things to eat is cottage cheese with Miracle Whip mixed in for a little flavor and scooping it with Frito's like a dip. Don't's good. Try it.

4) I am on husband number 3. We've been married for 4 years and that is 2 years longer than my longest marriage so far. I've not been the best judge of character in the past.

5) My head is full of Usless knowledge. I'm the one you want on your team when you play Trivial Pursuit.

6) 6 years ago I broke up with a guy who I'd been living with for about a year and a half. He took my favorite canisters and I'm still in the market for a witch doctor to put a voo doo curse on him for it.

7) I have NO IDEA how to put a link on here...someone please help me :)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The REVELATION of Idiots

I keep getting texts and e-mails claiming Barak Obama is the Anti-Christ. Read that again....E-MAILS CLAIMING BARAK OBAMA IS THE ANTI-CHRIST.

That's right ladies and gents. Ignorance is alive and well in the U.S of A. Folks are spreading the crazy talk around saying our guy is the Devil and I know for a fact, unfortunately but not suprisingly, there are dumbasses that really believe it.

Case in point. Some clown my husband works with was standing around work handing out copies of this ridiculous e-mail that says: The Book of Revelation states that The Anti-Christ will be a man in his 40's and of Muslim descent, he'll have Christ like appeal etc... And this ridiculous thing says...power was given unto him to continue for forty and two months (which is the ONLY thing that is actually in Revelation)....about the time of a Presidential term. Now I don't know about you but forty and two months could be a time frame for many things besides a presidential term or the length of time the Devil has to be in charge. It is about the same amount of time it takes one to get through High School, learn to speak French fluently, and extinguish ones hopes of becoming a Professional Football Player. I think it's just a coincidence but that's just me.

My husband shared with me the flyer he had been given by this idiot who was handing these things out like he was doing some great community service. Now my husband is usually a nice fellow who doesn't say many bad things about people but he said this guy is, has always been, and is likely to always be an idiot of the first water. (for those of you not familiar with that phrase, it means that he's likely to be the biggest idiot ever in the history of idiots)

I took it upon myself to scribble a friendly note to this pinhead on the back of his little handout pointing out that 1) The Book of Revelation does not even mention the word "Anti-Christ" and 2) How could it possibly mention someone of Muslim descent since the religion of Islam was founded in the 7th century and the Book of Revelation was written somewhere around 95 or 96 A.D., a good 6oo years before there was even such thing as a Muslim much less one of their descendents.

It amazes me that not only are people stupid enough to believe such ridiculous things but even more so, they are Anxious to believe it.

It's sad really that the Sheople have been led this far astray by the fear-mongers on the right. I know some people are just stupid but this kind of crazy is started by someone who intends to freak stupid people out.

I also would like to report that I took advantage of the early voting available in my area and I am proud to announce that I VOTED FOR THE ANTI-CHRIST!!


Monday, October 27, 2008

Bubba and the hand gesture

Okay, I understand that things are getting tight for the Republicans but it's starting to get a little touchy out in the streets. With election day looming, McPalin still behind in the National Polls, the Broohaha over Sarah, the hubby and their kids Pumpkin, Trout, Pickle, Widget and Trampoline's shopping sprees to Neiman Marcus and Saks and lets not forget, inferior plans for this country's future, it seems that my conservative brothers and sisters are beginning to act a little ugly.
Picture it if you will...

Bumper to Bumper traffic....7:30am rush hour....5 lanes going South into downtown. I'm in the middle lane. Big extended cab work truck in the lane to my left about a car length back. A horn blows behind me and I look in the rear view. Don't see anything special. Horn blows again...."WHAT???"....again, the rear view...nothing. Horn blows again. I turn and look.
Coming closer on my drivers side is the big truck. He's passing me giving me the thumbs down and, with an angry look in his eye, he's mouthing something I'm unable to make out, considering we're in BUMBER TO BUMPER TRAFFIC. I'm perplexed. Did i cut him off while changing lanes? Have I been riding my brakes in front of him? I was trying to figure out WHY??? Why was this man so angry at me? Then I notice something...the little green Honda Element in front of me with the Obama/Biden sticker placed prominently in their back window, the same place I have mine, is getting the thumbs down from this clown too.
Then it hit me....

This guy is holding up traffic so he can give me and my fellow Democrat in the Honda the Thumbs Down, and apparently a good talking to. Now that I know the deal, I try very hard to catch back up to this guy. Now I figure it like this, he gave me a hand gesture, it's only fair that I give him one back right??? So I roll on up, getting closer to what I'm now referring to this yahoo in the pick up as, the ReBUBBAlican. I'm getting a little pissy at this point. Who is he to give me and the little Honda (who I'm not sure is aware that she is on the receiving end of his little tirade) greif in the middle of rush hour??? I finally inch my way up to the ReBUBBAlican, ready to give him the ole Number 1 sign when I thought better of it. I rolled my window down, grinned like a big ole Donkey waved and shouted for him to have a nice day!!

At this point, he just kind of stared at me, slack-jawwed. I'm assuming he had figured he would be able to bait one of us into playing along with his assinine political road rage game. He drove on and I smiled to myself thinking that 1) I was the bigger person and 2) I'm feel great that my team is in the lead and I'm not so panicky that I have to take my frustration out on some poor motorist who is just trying to get to work on time.

Moral of the Story...Calm down Republicans and ReBUBBAlicans alike. If we made it through 8 years of W....Ya'll will be okay too.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

What the Heck is that smell???

A very funny lady, Pearl, reminded me of this blog I wrote a while back about smells. I hope no one gets offended

It's not in my nature to be really isn't. And I don't feel that by posing this question is mean, maybe a little forward, but not mean. For those of you who don't know, I work in a Midwife clinic. All of the midwives are, as I'm sure you can guess, women. There is a certain population of women who live in this city who don't feel comfortable with a man other than their partner seeing their hoo-ha. That is perfectly acceptable. A large majority of the women who don't want men seeing their hoo-ha, even if he is a Medical Doctor that specializes in say, hoo-ha's and the babies who have to travel through them to be born, want a female OB/GYN provider and as luck would have it, we are fully staffed with female OB/GYN providers. Seems that the bulk of women who want to see a Midwife for their prenatal care simply because they do in fact have a hoo-ha of their own and not because they believe in the philosophy of midwifery, are either Muslims or from predominately Muslim countries. A great deal of the women who choose to come to us for their baby birthing needs are Somali women.
Now, I don't know how familiar you are with the differences in American women and Somali women but there are a few. First off, American women don't ordinarily dress like the Grim Reaper. I know that is a cultural thing because God forbid a man see your hair or even worse, the curve of any part of your body but still, it is creepy when you are waiting on an elevator and the door opens and a large Somali woman is standing there with her black whatever the hell those things are called are on. Moving on. Also, American women don't make a habit of dipping their finger tips in henna. I understand that it is decorative, it's just most of the people I know try not to have orange stains on their hands. That is why you wash after using the self tanning lotion. Now I am trying to be as delicate as I can because I do recognize that people have differences. There are also alot of similarities as well. People are people no matter where you come from and Somalia is no different. We have nice, sweet polite Somali patients and we have rude obnoxious Somali patients. Just like American women, personalities from one woman to another are all along the spectrum. And don't get me wrong, I enjoy being around people from other cultures. It is interesting and sometimes entertaining. Not that I have anything against Somali's in general but as a group, I have to say that Somali women have a very unique aroma about them. I wouldn't say it stinks necessarily but I don't particularily care for it. I don't know if it is the food they eat and then the scent of that food secretes from them in some way or is it some kind of scented oil they use? But it is the same with everyone of them. It is STRONG. Imagine smelling someone coming long before they even come in the door. I have been working around these women for the better part of a year and all I really want to know is WHAT IN THE HECK IS THAT SMELL? I have never smelled a group of people that smell exactly the same. It's weird. If anyone knows what the hell this is, please let me know.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Baltic Ave and the Universe

It's official. I'm destined to live my average life with no hope to be the beneficiary of a windfall amount of quick cash. For years now I've been playing the McDonald's Monopoly game. If you're not familiar with it let me just touch on the highlights. McDonald's puts these little game pieces on several items, usually items I would not ordinarily order. They have the little game boards that look like a Monopoly board and the pieces are little squares with the game board squares on them. Brown Baltic Avenues (which I've so far collected 13 of), Blue Park Places and such. Every once in a while you will peel a free "Fruit and Yogurt Parfait" or a "Small coffee or Soft Drink". Until today I was convinced that these were the only prizes one could really expect to win. There is no way to get that one particular playing piece that you would need to collect all of the properties needed to actually win a monetary prize.
You can also play the game piece codes on the Mickey D's Monopoly online game. Same situation. You put your code in roll the dice and get the same spots on the board....over and over again. There is no chance to win...or so I thought. Today, while I was entering my 10 daily allowed game piece codes, I won!!! I ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING!!! I won.........wait for it........... 2 hours of free wi-fi time at McDonald's. WHAT???
I may as well stop wasting my time. The universe will not allow me to ever win anything again. It's trying to teach me a lesson, I'm sure of it. The lesson being that I'm unlucky and there aren't enough game pieces, crazy rabbits foot finger crossing rituals in the world to help me. And what the hell am I going to do with 2 hours of wi-fi time at McDonald's? Who spends that kind of time at McDonald's? I'm more of a drive thru kind of girl...and I don't own a laptop. Typical.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Hey buddy...can I bum a Nicotine Patch??

I have decided that I should probably quit smoking (and drinking so much, and start eating fruits and vegetables and possibly try to clean up the language a little bit...but one thing at a time) My birthday was this past Saturday. I'm 38, or as I prefer 20-18. (My daughter noted earlier last week that I was almost in my 30's. According to her calculations, I'd be 30-10 in just two more years and that is just ancient and tragic.) Birthdays, like New Years or any milestone that gets your attention, is always a good excuse to turn over a new leaf. I've decided that mine will be a tobacco leaf. As of tomorrow morning I will be going on the nicotine patch and possible starting Chantix (if anyone can convince me that I won't become either suicidal or psychotic). I can't describe the feeling I have when I really consider quitting. It's almost scary. I don't quite know what I will do with myself. If you've ever been a smoker, you know that it becomes part of you. I will probably take up chewing gum and I need to do something with my hands. Don't know what it will be. Probably cracking my knuckles or twiddling my thumbs. The thought scares me but I'm tired of being out of breath after 2 flights of stairs and it's getting pretty expensive lately. Nearly $5 a pack.
Wish me luck, keep your distance for a few days and pray that the Chantix doesn't make me kill anyone in their sleep.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Okay...I think I have successfully transitioned some of my blogs written over the last year or so to this blog. My friend, Tess (go to her It's smart, witty and just a little mean...just like her) anyway, she has convinced me that this blogging thing and the ads nextdoor here are the way to go. She helped me set it up and now I assume if you click on the ads, someone will make a buck or two. Hopefully it will be me. So read, enjoy, comment but for God's sake, click on the ads to your your other right.....and make me some money. I have 3 teenage daughters for heaven's sake!

The Pink Cult

Okay so I drank the pink Kool-Aid last night. Me and a friend of mine went with our other friend, who is a Mary Kay consultant, to some weekly meeting thing that all the MK consultants in this one group go to. They call it a girls night out, which cracks me up cause 1 they don't have any alcohol and 2 my friend,Thomas, is there and he's not a least not on the weeknights. Anyway, so we go in there, sit down, have to go through all the little accolades they give out to the consultants for sales and bookings etc.. followed by applause and squealing... then we get to try some new make-up. Well I did at least, my other friend, also not a girl on the weeknights, passed on the make up testing. Although I think I almost had him convinced to draw some eyebrows on if we could have located a pencil in the right color. So we listen to a bunch of overly excited and perky people talk the happy talk about Mary Kay and for the most part, between being a guinea pig and hearing the witness to Goddess MK, I damn near decided to start selling this wonderful, fabulous product myself. I know the product is good, I know it's a good company that's been around for years, I know that if I work hard and con other people into selling this stuff too, I could get a pink car to drive and that's fabulous but am I perky enough to convince other people that they need $394 worth of skin care to compliment their $277 worth of mineral eye color and Marvolous Mascara? I don't know. I did turn into Ms. Perky Sue Tightass last night though. Some of you may know her. She's all smiles and can "honey sweetie precious...cute shoes and I love your skirt...who does your hair? It fabulous!" with the best of them. I had to decompress after I left there. I can so understand why Thomas is doing this, and he by the way is wonderful at it, I'm just not sure it is for me. But I'm afraid they got to my other friend. So just be warned if I call you and ask if you want to be pampered...I've drank the Kool-Aid.

How to bring out my inner Redneck

okay...apparently I am some kind of evil enviromental terrorist. I’m a smoker. Have been for the better part of 20 years. I’m not necessarily proud of it. But it’s a fact and one that I’ll admit to anyone and I don’t care. I know it’s an addiction...blah blah blah...whatever...I freakin love it. Anyway, this morning on my way to work I was sitting at a traffic light over here by my job. I finished one of the 3 cigarettes I smoke on the way to work...gotta load up cause I’m off the sticks til lunch time...and like I usually do, I flicked the butt out the window. Okay, I know it’s littering and it’s wrong and I know I could be fined up to $500 for littering and i know I should Keep Tennessee Clean...whatever. I do it, all us smokers do it. Bite me. Anyway, this freaking guy behind me in a....get this, so typical...PRIUS honked his little horn at me. When I looked back at him through the mirror, he actually pointed to the ground and shook his finger at me. Well I bet ya’ll know what I did...I shook my finger right back....guess which finger I shook. Anyway, this guy passed me in his little eco-friendly gas saver and he had an Indiana tag that was some kind of speacialty plate that said ENVIRONMENT. Okay you have the right to care about the environment, you have the right to say what you want to about it and how we’re all killing mother earth. I get it. My very own parents are environmental activists so trust me....I’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE...MANY TIMES. But this little fellow going around scolding people is gonna get him cussed out for sure but he better watch who he’s scolding cause he ain’t in Indiana any more...we’re rednecks here and not only will we thump a cigarette butt out the window, we’re pretty damn likely to thump it directly between your eyes if you mess with us too much. Damn hippy.

If I Can't Be Independently Wealthy, What about this???

When I was a little kid I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up. Then later in life I decided I wanted to be a physical therapist.Then at some point in my early adulthood I wanted to be a psychologist..or at least a therapist. I was and still am facinated by Mental Illness...(insert your own joke here________________________) Anyway years later I find myself working in a medical providers office...doing all the office crap like scheduling, records, financial crap...all the stuff that no one notices until I screw it up. Anyway this will probably be what I'm doing when I retire or die, which ever comes first. But to keep me from hanging myself in the closet with my shoe laces, I have this silly little list of things I would really love to do if I can figure out how to do it and make a living from doing it.
How great would that be? Having someone pay you to tell them what to do with their life?? This is a job where I could utilize my ultimate and infinate wisdom. Unfortunately since I would not be able to afford my own rates, that wisdom would only apply to OTHER people's problems and not my own.
2.Seat Filler
You know the people who sit in empty seats at the awards shows so the place looks packed? Now this could actually be quite entertaining if you filled the right seat. Imagine being a seat filler at the Oscars and getting next to Tom Hanks or the People's Choice and getting next to Matthew McConaughey. I might would have a heart attack or an orgasm or something. Maybe this wouldn't be the job for me...but I digress.
This is really the job for me. I could stare at a tan paint chip for three weeks, then scream out HOT DOG BUN or after looking at a white chip for 4 days only to come up with ALBINO easy would that be? I don't know how much Sherwin Williams pays for that but I'm going to at least apply for that job.
Today I added a fourth job to my list...
I could so do long as it was a romantic comedy or possibly a tear-jerker type drama. Nothing scary. Now I'm not sure how one gets this particular job but I love all different kinds of music and I'm sure I could figure out what would work where. Now, I have a feeling that this job would actually take some work and I'm more of thinker than a doer so maybe I could find someone to let me just sit around and say things like... "I like this one song by this one guy and it makes me happy when I hear it and since Mandy Moore and Ben Affleck seem to be happy in this scene of this movie...let's play that song..but just the chorus cause the rest of the song is about being on a pontoon boat"... See I could do it. It would be easy.
Oh how I envy the people who have those kinds of jobs...But alas...I actually have to work for a living so I better go do that....
But before I head back to the mines...Tell me what your dream job is and maybe if the price is right I can use my LIFE COACH skills to help you get that job!

My Bucket List

One of my best good friends in the whole wide world (some of you may know her as Tara or MumMum or possibly even Skeeter, Kookie, Brittany or Brynn's mom) just posted a Blog. More precisely a Bucket List. I have not seen the movie although it is on my "TO SEE" list. (I do love Morgan Freeman. I'm hoping that when I die and get to Heaven, God looks like Morgan Freeman.) So...Tara made a Bucket List so I'm gonna make mine! It's fun, we should all do it!

1. Live in England. I'm not real particular of where in England. London would be great but the country is nice too.
2.Go Snow Skiing. I would love to go somewhere in Colorado or perhaps Utah but the most kick ass ski trip would be in the Swiss Alps

3.Learn a Foreign Language. I don't have a particular language in mind although Spanish would probably be the most useful and I've always wondered what Ricky was yelling at Lucy but I've always thought Russian would be cool.
4. See the Great Wall of China. This one is new. The whole Beijing thing has got me wanting to go to China. I never really had a desire to until now. But if I do go over there I'm not eating any cat or scorpions dammit.
these next things are in the WILL NEVER happen but it's fun to think about category:
5. Spend some time on a Yacht in the Mediterranian.
6. Sing a duet with Meatloaf.
7. Win and Olympic Gold medal in Syncronized Swimming (a dream that started during the 1984 Summer Games in Los Angeles)
8. Be in a movie with Tom Hanks
9. Ride in a Bobsled (like the Olympic ones)
10. Not be afraid of Snakes
This next group are the things that I expect to happen but if they don't, it would suck.
11. Go on a vacation with my 3 best friends. We're the most fun and we just need to plan it and go.
12. Go to New York City. I've never been, I HAVE TO go. I think while I'm there I'll take the Sex and the City Tour and try to spit off the top of the Empire State Building.
13. Have Grandchildren who love me more than their other grandmother. I will expect them to call me Big Momma!
14. See all of my children become successful in whatever they decide to do...hopefully none of them decide to be criminals or I don't know...Republicans.
15. Grow old and travel the world with my wonderful husband Joel.

While compiling my bucket list, I realized that if I were to Kick the Bucket today, I would die knowing that I've already had a full life and no matter if I never do anything on this list, I already have the love of a Great Husband, a Wonderful Family and the best friends anyone could ever wish for and it just don't get any better than that.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Campus tours and car wrecks

On the off chance that I don't kill her before then, my daughter is on her way to college next year. So that means that we need to start planning now. We're scheduling campus tours, going to college fairs, getting "junk mail" by the dozens and even have an Army recruiter coming to the house to try and persuade us that the military is the way to go. Now I don't know what I'm doing. This being my first child to reach this point in life and the fact that I didn't attend college until well after I became an adult and was completely on my own as far as planning my future, all of this has left me less than confident that we are doing the right thing at the right time. I want her to be able to experience college in a way that I was never able to. I want her to be able to live in a dorm, far away from me, her sisters, her step dad and "the boyfriend". I want her to join a sorority and go to parties and make friends that will allow her networking opportunities well into her professional life. I want her to learn things and enjoy life and be prepared for whatever may come her way. All of this being the heck am I supposed to pay for it all? I can barely pay the electric bill, the mortgage and put gas in all of the cars. Meanwhile, the one I'm spending so much time trying to figure out how I'm going to send off to college to experience all the wonders of it, is rear-ending folks in traffice driving up the cost of our insurance premiums. I keep hoping that if I can get her into the right college, majoring in the right thing that maybe, just maybe, she'll become a productive member of society and I may be able to lay down to rest at night without tossing and turning at the thought of her living with me and off me for the rest of her life! I hope it doesn't come to that but if I don't have a better feeling about all of this after our first campus tour next week, I may be jumping on board with the Army recruiter so that maybe her Uncle Sam can straighten things out!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

tying to figure it all out

Okay... I haven't blogged until now so I'm gonna run this up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it. I have alot of crap to say about all kinds of things so I figured this was as good a place as any to say it.
I read an article about a woman who was blogging to help her recover from the death of her husband so I figure I can blog about recovering from the death of my checking account. See I have this daughter and she and the boyfriend are going to the Prom Saturday night. They are both juniors so this is their first time playing dress up. As a matter of fact I'm not sure the boy has ever even been in a suit. Now I may be biased but I'm quite confident my baby will be the prettiest one there. She better be after the $384 for a dress and $50 for "cheap" jewelry and $29 for shoes (and I got a great deal on those) and $50 for makeup to match (in all fairness, my best friend is a Mary Kay consultant and I got carried away cause I have a running tab) and $40 to get the nails done and $60 for an updo and $109.23 for half of the tux rental cause the boy was fresh out of cash that day, and $54 for a corsage and boutineer cause the boy was fresh out of cash that day too, and $50 for pictures, with a background that will most definately clash with the flamingo pink dress that my child will be wearing, and an unspecified amount of money for dinner and gas the night of...cause I'm sure the boy will be fresh out of cash that night too......I'm broke and my eye is twitching.
I remember going to the prom when i was in high school. It was the 80's and best I can tell, other than the BIG hair not much has changed. Planning and preparing and spending your mom's money is probably much more fun than the event itself. Do you know how hard it is to dance in formal attire? I just hope nobody gets food on them beforehand. I'm sure I'll make 2000 pictures and I may even tear up a little but I will be so damn glad when Saturday comes and goes so I can start paying my bills again and maybe get a pedicure for myself...oh yeah add $30 for a pedicure to the list too.
Funny, this blogging thing doesn't seem to make me feel any better at all. I guess I'll try again another day. I need to go check my bank balance.