Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Why I take Xanax

I have a kid. She's okay I guess but she's not the brightest bulb. I was speaking fondly of her the other day when it occured to me that it's a good damn thing that she's cute because if she wasn't, there would be no way to charm people into believing that she is just a little ditzy sometimes instead of a full blown mouth breathing F***tard. But luckily for her, she's cute as a button so the stuff she says is endearing to most people. Thankfully most people stereotype and in this case it's a good/accurate stereotype. Imagine a cute, petite, blonde, green-eyed cheerleader saying all of this as you read on. (Have you figured out the stereotype yet??)

We have several lakes around here and when it rains heavily, the low lying areas around the lakes will flood. One particular lake has a tendency to flood a playground that sits close to the road. We don't get over that way very often so when we were there most recently (the time prior was when it was flooded) there sat the playground and volleybally courts.

Her: Hey...how did they get the land there?

Me: huh?

Her: That used to be part of the lake...how did they get the land there?

Me: It was flooded before

Her: Huh?

this is my child and I love her.

here are a couple of more dialogues to reiterate my point:

(In fairly Hushed tones)
Her: Mom, thank you so much for bringing me here to see Kathy Griffin for my birthday.

Me: Your welcome. Count yourself lucky because as best I can tell, I'm the only crappy parent here who has chosen to bring their teenager to see this show.

Her: What? She's not that bad. I hear worse stuff at school. Do I have to stand here in the line for the bar with you? It's crazy long.

Me: Yes you do. If you left I'd never find you in this crowd.
(in her Cheerleader voice)
Her: I'll just stand...over...there...by...OMG MOMMA IS EVERYONE IN HERE GAY????

Me: Yep

Her: Mom, I have a question. Are bats real?

Me: huh?

Her: Bats. Are they real?

Me: huh?

Her: We were in science and we were talking about different animals and somebody said bats were mammals blah blah blah. I didn't know they were real animals or birds or whatever. I thought they were just in movies and halloween decorations.

Me: huh?

(Packing clothes into her duffle bag)
Her: I have cheerleading practice after school today so I'll be late getting home.

Me: Okay

Her: Where is that white shirt like this black one?

Me: No idea. What's wrong with that one?

Her: It's too hot in the gym to wear this one.

Me: Are you telling me that you don't want to wear that t-shirt because it's hot...inside...in the gym?

Her: yeah...it's black so it's hotter right?

Me: Yeah in the sunlight...

Her: Huh?

She recently interviewed for a job at the mall. I asked her if she thought she was going to get the job. She said that the lady that interviewed her kept saying how cute she was.

She got the job.


Nathan said...

I love it. I'm just glad there's another one out there besides me. It's pretty much a sure bet that at some point during the day, I'll say something stupid.

Don't worry about her too much. I managed to go to college, get married, have a kid, keep a job and even get a couple raises out of the deal.

I guess anything really is possible.

Braja said...

I see.

Tenacious Tess said...

OMG BATS ARE FUCKING REAL? You've got to be kidding me!

Laura said...

this reminds me of an episode of Friends. whenever Joey would say something stupid they would respond to him by saying "you're so pretty."

gotta love it

bernthis said...

Oh God, I think I ran into your kid at the Gap when I was looking for a down vest. She had no idea what it was and after a bit of back of forth, with me in disbelief that she had never heard of a down vest, she then realized I was actually looking for a "Puffy".